So I was feeling resistance. And I don’t mean the kind of resistance that takes you out of your comfort zone and encourages you to be more than you were yesterday…no, not that kind.
I am talking about the kind of resistance that grabs ahold of your will and screams, “Do you know what you are in for here? You have no idea what you are doing.” “Do you know the risk? You will never make it.” “Do you know what this means? This will ruin you.”
The kind that crushes your confidence into little balls of paper and throws them at you often enough that eventually you can always hear the low grumble of laughter in the background reminding you that you are not good enough. The kind that chews up little pieces of your spirit and spits them back, mushed and a lesser version of what was, onto the first line of your paper. So every time you look at that notebook you want to throw up, disgusted by the very thought of running your hand against that filth.
So I typed instead. It didn’t feel good at first, but soon the tears were proof that I broke through the gate. I had released my own soul and was squeezing the shit out of that resistance, choking the life right out of it. So I stood amongst the falling mess of tears, owning my place, claiming it as my own, stamping my feet so hard the earth caved to my demands and buried itself below the place it had previously called home. I knew what I had to do. I had to create. I had no choice. I could not reclaim my life until I accepted my ability, my responsibility, my love. Creating myself, my future, my state of mind…so when I feel like creating, I will create…every day. Against any resistance.
I will no longer need to rush resistance, bucking up for a fight. I will just stand right where I am, with the smirk of assuredness, and let resistance just try. I may need to flex my muscles, grit my teeth, and fall a bit deeper into my squat to hold my space. I may. But I will raise my hands and grab ahold of the universe, and I remain right where I am, in the little divot the earth created just for me. And that resistance is going to need to find a new home, because this space is being occupied.
Maybe this was the kind of resistance that takes you out of your comfort zone and encourages you to be more than you were yesterday…
Riding Into The Fire 