Tag Archives: Resistance

Be Careful What You Ask For

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I was resistant to reading an email that was sitting in my inbox.  While the entire subject was not visible, I knew what it said.  I knew the lesson it contained, and it took no time to decide I didn’t want it.  The very idea of it had my head dizzy with anxiety.  I wanted to be open.  My goal for 2014 is to go willingly where I am led, to follow the pull of my soul without resistance, to let be what will be, and to feel my way through the process willingly, without shutting down.  Yet here I was shutting out the feelings I did not want to experience…telling the tug in my soul that I was not ready yet.  I needed more time.   I needed to “fix” some things first, then I would be ready.  I could get everything in order, and then I would be receptive.  My soul raised its eyebrows, and as it has done so many times before, sat down in the sun and waited for me to hold my hand out in surrender.  Sometimes it waits a long time.

I decided on a baby step into surrender…I read the rest – all about giving up control.  My heart shed tears at the very thought.  At what cost?  What will this do to me?  What will I give up?  Would I still recognize myself?  Will I fail again?  Can I do this?

I read it, though I skipped words in an act of equal parts defiance and fear.  I could not help but understand.  I could not continue to set a goal of trusting my soul when my ego was in charge.  I could not surrender to the wave of my soul’s travels if I was still throwing my oars in to alter the direction.  I could not be both what I am and what I want to be.

This, on the heels a few of the most anxiety ridden days I have had in years, was more than I could stand.  But then I wonder.  That anxiety that I earlier today could not place, that had no known source…was lightened after this reading.  As if this reaction, opposite my expectations, was a relief.  I had been preparing for the unknown all along, and here I was, prepared to face it.

I want to own that shit.  I want to feel it in every ounce of my being that I am flowing endlessly with the universe, but I am not.

But I know this now…

While I am not yet flowing seamlessly with my soul, I am headed in the same direction.

While I am not yet jumping into the wind, I am keeping the breeze at my back as a guide.

While I am not ready to walk across the water, I have every intention of seeing how it feels to float.

While I may cry my resistance, I will cry it crawling forward and let the universe share my burden and heal my soul.

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Resistance

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So I was feeling resistance. And I don’t mean the kind of resistance that takes you out of your comfort zone and encourages you to be more than you were yesterday…no, not that kind.

I am talking about the kind of resistance that grabs ahold of your will and screams, “Do you know what you are in for here? You have no idea what you are doing.” “Do you know the risk? You will never make it.” “Do you know what this means? This will ruin you.”

The kind that crushes your confidence into little balls of paper and throws them at you often enough that eventually you can always hear the low grumble of laughter in the background reminding you that you are not good enough. The kind that chews up little pieces of your spirit and spits them back, mushed and a lesser version of what was, onto the first line of your paper. So every time you look at that notebook you want to throw up, disgusted by the very thought of running your hand against that filth.

So I typed instead. It didn’t feel good at first, but soon the tears were proof that I broke through the gate. I had released my own soul and was squeezing the shit out of that resistance, choking the life right out of it. So I stood amongst the falling mess of tears, owning my place, claiming it as my own, stamping my feet so hard the earth caved to my demands and buried itself below the place it had previously called home. I knew what I had to do. I had to create. I had no choice. I could not reclaim my life until I accepted my ability, my responsibility, my love. Creating myself, my future, my state of mind…so when I feel like creating, I will create…every day. Against any resistance.

I will no longer need to rush resistance, bucking up for a fight. I will just stand right where I am, with the smirk of assuredness, and let resistance just try. I may need to flex my muscles, grit my teeth, and fall a bit deeper into my squat to hold my space. I may. But I will raise my hands and grab ahold of the universe, and I remain right where I am, in the little divot the earth created just for me. And that resistance is going to need to find a new home, because this space is being occupied.

Maybe this was the kind of resistance that takes you out of your comfort zone and encourages you to be more than you were yesterday…