I can not save the world today. I can not save you. I may not be able save me. I can not be all I am, because I am too determined to deny parts of me. Therefore you will not be tolerated. Can not be tolerated. Your cute little quirks will wander around under my skin, digging painful little caves that no amount of scratching or digging at can erase, because my own are still eating away at my flesh from the inside out. I can not provide you with perfect love, cloaking you in the warmth of my deep affection for you. I can not because I have prepared for myself a steel wool head wrap and covered my body in barbed wire fencing. So you will not be well served to approach my door with hope and a smile. You will likely be burned by the anger you find on the door knob. If you are so brave as to enter, you will be greeted with impatience instead of acceptance, annoyance instead of compassion. For this I apologize. It is not you. It is me I am angry with. So if I retreat into my own world, trust I am not there to dig into my sorrows but to try to love them. I am not trying to push you away but to push into myself deeper. There is room for everyone at my home deep within, so I will be headed there right away. Give me a bit to arrive and get comfortable and set a place for you. There, you will be welcome to join me, to show up as you are. I will have no expectations for you, no anger with you, no fear of what you may do to me. I will love you in your entirety. Here is not the place for coffee and conversation. Here is dirty and the air is too thick for comfortable breathing. So give me just a bit to prepare. To be still. To go home. And I will call you when I am ready to receive you. When I am prepared to give of myself the way you deserve for me to show up for you. As I am. In love with me. In love with you.
In the cleaning of my basement, I stumbled across a notebook of old poetry. I have only read through a few pieces so far, because it was a lot to take in…that visit to who I was. As I made space in the literal sense, I was blessed with opening up and making space for so much more. The emotional aftermath was incredible. The least lasting of the wave of emotions was that I felt genuine sadness for what I endured. Pain. Disappointment. Hurt. Loneliness. Depression. Anxiety. Worthlessness. So many feelings are so distant to me now, that while I felt pity for the me that was, I also felt incredibly powerful. I have always questioned if I had healed or simply shoved down deep enough that I tricked myself. Today, I feel that while there is always work to do, I have had deep healing. I had overcome and grown from who I was.
I was also relieved. Relieved to know that I can reinvent myself many times over, as often as I like, as many times as I so choose. Instead of viewing the details of my journey, I was faced with the map linking the beginning to where I am now. How empowering it was to see how far I had traveled.
The feeling that was most prevalent was pride. Even before I understand what it meant, I was seeking my soul. Before I knew the Universe was in me, I knew to direct my search inward. Before I knew the struggles would lead to this beautiful moment, I was grateful for my experiences, and appreciated the strength I was gifted. If you asked me when in this life I was most lost, I would have told you this period I documented in those pages. How incredible to see I was not lost at all. I was seeking, fighting so hard to find what I knew I needed to, but with a lack of knowledge and a life I had created that worked against my purpose. But still, I pushed forward, and still I prevailed.
I hear so often this human experience is guided. We know before we arrive what we need to learn, and we decide to place ourselves in circumstances that nurture those experiences. I know this. I believe it. But here was this beautiful truth. This gorgeous “yes” vibrating through the universe, reminding me that my path was always perfect. I knew what I needed, and every pain, every joy was part of that journey by choice. My choice. To allow me to know and trust my soul. I have always known. I just needed to walk through the journeys to move on.
It leaves me so awestruck. If I was that aware when I was so “lost”, how much more will I do? If I am happy where I am, I am going to be ecstatic in the future. I look forward to reading my story in 10 years, so much more knowledgeable, aware, in touch…and smile as I realize I was always on my way there. This life is incredible.
So to the Universe, I say to you the most appropriate quote to express my soul…thanks for this beautiful life and please forgive me if I don’t love it enough (unknown author).
I will be far more conscious of expressing that love and gratitude.
There is no place on earth I would rather be than beside the water. There is no sickness of the heart that I have not found the beach to be the medicine for. Looking out upon the water is my heaven. As the sun falls, dropping pieces of it’s sparkling heart amongst the low waves, I am drawn into a state of amazement. There is nothing so beautiful as the joining of the two, welcoming the next phase of the day…the most perfect transition the earth has ever experienced.
I sit and let the water wash from me all that does not serve me. Even though I sit amongst my children, I find perfect calm. I fall into silence. I find myself only saying what is necessary, what serves a purpose, nothing more. I let the waves take away my pain and splash peace back into my soul. They know what their purpose is without being told. They just grace me healing, with love, because I need it, and it is there to serve me. What it needs from me is to leave it’s presence better than I came, to depart so full of appreciation and love and hope that I can not help but share it with the world. It’s only job to heal. When I am one with the water I can not help but feel pure power and connectedness. I am but a drop in the wave in the water that makes up this world. I am but a drop, but I am a drop. The waters of the world would be incomplete without that drop, so I am that world. I am one with everything. That is what the beach offers me.
So I explore the floor of the ocean just below the tide. The simplest of stones, with their constant blessings of the waves, open their pages to share every line of their story. Everything they have seen is displayed in their wet brilliance. Every color, every damage spot, every smoothed lustrous curve wet and enhanced by the water. Water does that. It clarifies, it takes out all that is dull and exposes it for what it truly is. It makes the light appear as the magic it is, and the dark appear equally as much. There is no judgment, no wrong or right, just what is…perfectly and untarnished.
I take them home, those pretty ones. I choose the ones who call me, who want me to know them. Who desire to let me feel them and share their experiences. They, so much older and wiser than me, carry an overwhelming energy. Their strength weighs me down, grounds me in the purest way. I take home so many.
When I see them dry, they lack their luster. All those brilliant colors are but shades of grey. I love them as they are. I considered taking them back. Was I doing their beauty a disservice by keeping them from their water? Keeping them from their home where every bit of their beauty shows? I wondered this. Then I realized…I still love them. I do not need to see them in their physical brilliance to know their true magnificence. That is what they were teaching me. To love them. To know what their beauty looks like even when I can not see it with my eyes. To see their beauty with my heart. And to trust that the beauty is within everything. In every person. And to see it in me.
I had a dream, hope some may call it
A calling, a blessing
I felt the tug none the less
A silent gentle nudge to just take a step
Baby steps, nothing terrifying, just a step
To warm my heart
To keep me centered, to bring me closer to me
A pressure, comfortable and loving
So I trusted and I stepped
That is when I grew an inch
The experience of fear will do that do that to you
Creeping up on a dream
Unsure if it will remain still and await your arrival,
Ready to embrace you in warm light
Or if it will turn and run,
Resentful of your arrogant choice to get so close
Stars do not wish to be tarnished by such hands
That is why they don’t sit beside you
So I reach with force just in case
To get a head start
To increase my chances
That is when I grew an inch
I moved fast into bravery
Making my intention known, stepping into my light
Demanding what I craved to meet me half way
Being clear about what I needed
Expecting that it was already mine
Concentrating long and hard
Pure, uncluttered desire in my stare
That is when I grew an inch
Recognizing there was no purpose behind my movement
Knowing it was mine all along
I had only to hold my hand out for it to arrive
I only had to smile at it
To have it leap and roll to meet me where I was
I had only to feel it to trust that it was in me
Everything is mine,
And I belong to everything.
And That is when I grew an inch.