I can not save the world today. I can not save you. I may not be able save me. I can not be all I am, because I am too determined to deny parts of me. Therefore you will not be tolerated. Can not be tolerated. Your cute little quirks will wander around under my skin, digging painful little caves that no amount of scratching or digging at can erase, because my own are still eating away at my flesh from the inside out. I can not provide you with perfect love, cloaking you in the warmth of my deep affection for you. I can not because I have prepared for myself a steel wool head wrap and covered my body in barbed wire fencing. So you will not be well served to approach my door with hope and a smile. You will likely be burned by the anger you find on the door knob. If you are so brave as to enter, you will be greeted with impatience instead of acceptance, annoyance instead of compassion. For this I apologize. It is not you. It is me I am angry with. So if I retreat into my own world, trust I am not there to dig into my sorrows but to try to love them. I am not trying to push you away but to push into myself deeper. There is room for everyone at my home deep within, so I will be headed there right away. Give me a bit to arrive and get comfortable and set a place for you. There, you will be welcome to join me, to show up as you are. I will have no expectations for you, no anger with you, no fear of what you may do to me. I will love you in your entirety. Here is not the place for coffee and conversation. Here is dirty and the air is too thick for comfortable breathing. So give me just a bit to prepare. To be still. To go home. And I will call you when I am ready to receive you. When I am prepared to give of myself the way you deserve for me to show up for you. As I am. In love with me. In love with you.
I was resistant to reading an email that was sitting in my inbox. While the entire subject was not visible, I knew what it said. I knew the lesson it contained, and it took no time to decide I didn’t want it. The very idea of it had my head dizzy with anxiety. I wanted to be open. My goal for 2014 is to go willingly where I am led, to follow the pull of my soul without resistance, to let be what will be, and to feel my way through the process willingly, without shutting down. Yet here I was shutting out the feelings I did not want to experience…telling the tug in my soul that I was not ready yet. I needed more time. I needed to “fix” some things first, then I would be ready. I could get everything in order, and then I would be receptive. My soul raised its eyebrows, and as it has done so many times before, sat down in the sun and waited for me to hold my hand out in surrender. Sometimes it waits a long time.
I decided on a baby step into surrender…I read the rest – all about giving up control. My heart shed tears at the very thought. At what cost? What will this do to me? What will I give up? Would I still recognize myself? Will I fail again? Can I do this?
I read it, though I skipped words in an act of equal parts defiance and fear. I could not help but understand. I could not continue to set a goal of trusting my soul when my ego was in charge. I could not surrender to the wave of my soul’s travels if I was still throwing my oars in to alter the direction. I could not be both what I am and what I want to be.
This, on the heels a few of the most anxiety ridden days I have had in years, was more than I could stand. But then I wonder. That anxiety that I earlier today could not place, that had no known source…was lightened after this reading. As if this reaction, opposite my expectations, was a relief. I had been preparing for the unknown all along, and here I was, prepared to face it.
I want to own that shit. I want to feel it in every ounce of my being that I am flowing endlessly with the universe, but I am not.
But I know this now…
While I am not yet flowing seamlessly with my soul, I am headed in the same direction.
While I am not yet jumping into the wind, I am keeping the breeze at my back as a guide.
While I am not ready to walk across the water, I have every intention of seeing how it feels to float.
While I may cry my resistance, I will cry it crawling forward and let the universe share my burden and heal my soul.