Tag Archives: trust the journey

Give Me a Bit

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I can not save the world today. I can not save you. I may not be able save me. I can not be all I am, because I am too determined to deny parts of me. Therefore you will not be tolerated. Can not be tolerated. Your cute little quirks will wander around under my skin, digging painful little caves that no amount of scratching or digging at can erase, because my own are still eating away at my flesh from the inside out. I can not provide you with perfect love, cloaking you in the warmth of my deep affection for you. I can not because I have prepared for myself a steel wool head wrap and covered my body in barbed wire fencing. So you will not be well served to approach my door with hope and a smile. You will likely be burned by the anger you find on the door knob. If you are so brave as to enter, you will be greeted with impatience instead of acceptance, annoyance instead of compassion. For this I apologize. It is not you. It is me I am angry with. So if I retreat into my own world, trust I am not there to dig into my sorrows but to try to love them. I am not trying to push you away but to push into myself deeper. There is room for everyone at my home deep within, so I will be headed there right away. Give me a bit to arrive and get comfortable and set a place for you. There, you will be welcome to join me, to show up as you are. I will have no expectations for you, no anger with you, no fear of what you may do to me. I will love you in your entirety. Here is not the place for coffee and conversation. Here is dirty and the air is too thick for comfortable breathing. So give me just a bit to prepare. To be still. To go home. And I will call you when I am ready to receive you. When I am prepared to give of myself the way you deserve for me to show up for you. As I am. In love with me. In love with you.

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Confessions of a Dreaming Control Freak…

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A dreamer.  Childlike, wondrous, pretending in my head to be whatever suits my fancy kind of dreamer.  Outright scary, juicy dreams kind of dreamer.  My desires creating a beautiful painting harnessing every detail of my hearts desire.  Far away, high atop a dragon guarded castle, locked away in a prison.  I know where it is.  I can feel it’s precise location.  I know what it looks like.  I know every brush stroke.  I know every shade and every reflection of light.  I can see that painting without ever laying my eyes on it.  I know it so well, and my fingers shake at the very thought of holding it.  

When a control freak is a dreamer…frustration becomes an annoying unwanted house guest.  It uses the last bit of soap, does not flush the toilet, and puts empty cereal cartons back in the cupboard.  I know I can ask or demand my pesky guest leave, but if I request it vacate the premises, I know it will take my control with it.  Those two are thick as thieves, loyal only to each other, and while I always am left feeling like a third wheel when they are around, they still woo me with the most beautiful love stories.  What I can be with them, what they can offer me, what I would be without them.  So I cave under their pressure every time.  As I watch control, carrying his suitcase towards the door, I reach out and grab hold.  I beg, oh how I beg for him to stay, to allow me one more chance to make it work.  This time we can learn to love together.  This time we can be perfect.  “We have made it this far,” I cry.  And every time he drops his bag, allowing frustration to dump the contents back upon my floor for me to scoop up.  I take my fluffy blanket and sweater from the pile of baggage, swing it over me, and relax in the comfort of knowing that I am running the show.  I know frustration and control are holding hands beneath the covers, smirking at my gullibility, and appreciating they once again bought a little more time living for free under my roof.  I close my eyes and imagine my beautiful painting, in all of it’s grandeur, and I envision the path.  As long as control and frustration are in my presence, I know the path is unclear.  I can go no farther.  I can not dare tread down an unknown path, no I must KNOW the path before hand.  I must have perfect clarity.  They will not allow me to travel into fog.  Even though I watch, in my mind, the fog calling me, one outstretched finger beckoning me, challenging me to move, to trust, to go. 

When a soul seeker is a control freak…there is nothing to do but fight for release.  To break free at all costs, sacrificing everything to pursue that which is a deeper calling.  To demand to be heard, to scream and scratch the walls that bind.  To walk away bruised, battered, and barely breathing, but so alive…so incredibly alive!  To war on the side of angels and guides, preaching the word of the Universe, arguing on the side of humanity.  To crawl through the buried guck, the everything that has been collected as excuses for the need to control.  So I struggle to untangle my limbs from the web of lies I have fed my damaged ego for so many years.  To cut the cords that keep my feet held to the earth, and allow myself to fly into possibility again.  To let my soul carry me towards my dream.  To trust my soul when it says, “Let go of more”, and drop more balls of old weighted damage that I used to associate with who I was before I knew any better, allowing us to speed up, to fly easier, to glide gracefully through the wind.

When a dreamer is a soul seeker…the desire to reach the goal and the desire to go deeper can both battle and love. Like a couple who’s children have left home, trying to dedicate all of their time to each other and to themselves.  Relearning what balance feels like.  Learning when it is more important to share love or self love.  When action is necessary, when rest is the only solution.  So I dedicate my life to finding a way to trust fully.  To answer the pull to move forward, to do, to achieve.  To join my soul in rest when it requests, to know it knows more than my head what I need and when I need it.  To trust.

When a soul seeker is a dreamer…I work to trust, let go, and envision the dream in all it’s beautiful detail.