Tag Archives: writing

Not Quite As Lost As I Believed I Was…

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In the cleaning of my basement, I stumbled across a notebook of old poetry.   I have only read through a few pieces so far, because it was a lot to take in…that visit to who I was.   As I made space in the literal sense, I was blessed with opening up and making space for so much more.  The emotional aftermath was incredible.  The least lasting of the wave of emotions was that I felt genuine sadness for what I endured.  Pain.  Disappointment.  Hurt.  Loneliness.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Worthlessness.  So many feelings are so distant to me now, that while I felt pity for the me that was, I also felt incredibly powerful.  I have always questioned if I had healed or simply shoved down deep enough that I tricked myself.  Today, I feel that while there is always work to do, I have had deep healing.  I had overcome and grown from who I was.

I was also relieved.  Relieved to know that I can reinvent myself many times over, as often as I like, as many times as I so choose.  Instead of viewing the details of my journey, I was faced with the map linking the beginning to where I am now.  How empowering it was to see how far I had traveled.

The feeling that was most prevalent was pride.  Even before I understand what it meant, I was seeking my soul.  Before I knew the Universe was in me, I knew to direct my search inward.  Before I knew the struggles would lead to this beautiful moment, I was grateful for my experiences, and appreciated the strength I was gifted.  If you asked me when in this life I was most lost, I would have told you this period I documented in those pages.  How incredible to see I was not lost at all.  I was seeking, fighting so hard to find what I knew I needed to, but with a lack of knowledge and a life I had created that worked against my purpose.  But still, I pushed forward, and still I prevailed.

I hear so often this human experience is guided.  We know before we arrive what we need to learn, and we decide to place ourselves in circumstances that nurture those experiences.  I know this. I believe it.  But here was this beautiful truth.  This gorgeous “yes” vibrating through the universe, reminding me that my path was always perfect.  I knew what I needed, and every pain, every joy was part of that journey by choice.  My choice.  To allow me to know and trust my soul.  I have always known.  I just needed to walk through the journeys to move on.

It leaves me so awestruck.  If I was that aware when I was so “lost”, how much more will I do?  If I am happy where I am, I am going to be ecstatic in the future.  I look forward to reading my story                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             in 10 years, so much more knowledgeable, aware, in touch…and smile as I realize I was always on my way there.  This life is incredible.

So to the Universe, I say to you the most appropriate quote to express my soulthanks for this beautiful life and please forgive me if I don’t love it enough (unknown author).

I will be far more conscious of expressing that love and gratitude.

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