In the cleaning of my basement, I stumbled across a notebook of old poetry. I have only read through a few pieces so far, because it was a lot to take in…that visit to who I was. As I made space in the literal sense, I was blessed with opening up and making space for so much more. The emotional aftermath was incredible. The least lasting of the wave of emotions was that I felt genuine sadness for what I endured. Pain. Disappointment. Hurt. Loneliness. Depression. Anxiety. Worthlessness. So many feelings are so distant to me now, that while I felt pity for the me that was, I also felt incredibly powerful. I have always questioned if I had healed or simply shoved down deep enough that I tricked myself. Today, I feel that while there is always work to do, I have had deep healing. I had overcome and grown from who I was.
I was also relieved. Relieved to know that I can reinvent myself many times over, as often as I like, as many times as I so choose. Instead of viewing the details of my journey, I was faced with the map linking the beginning to where I am now. How empowering it was to see how far I had traveled.
The feeling that was most prevalent was pride. Even before I understand what it meant, I was seeking my soul. Before I knew the Universe was in me, I knew to direct my search inward. Before I knew the struggles would lead to this beautiful moment, I was grateful for my experiences, and appreciated the strength I was gifted. If you asked me when in this life I was most lost, I would have told you this period I documented in those pages. How incredible to see I was not lost at all. I was seeking, fighting so hard to find what I knew I needed to, but with a lack of knowledge and a life I had created that worked against my purpose. But still, I pushed forward, and still I prevailed.
I hear so often this human experience is guided. We know before we arrive what we need to learn, and we decide to place ourselves in circumstances that nurture those experiences. I know this. I believe it. But here was this beautiful truth. This gorgeous “yes” vibrating through the universe, reminding me that my path was always perfect. I knew what I needed, and every pain, every joy was part of that journey by choice. My choice. To allow me to know and trust my soul. I have always known. I just needed to walk through the journeys to move on.
It leaves me so awestruck. If I was that aware when I was so “lost”, how much more will I do? If I am happy where I am, I am going to be ecstatic in the future. I look forward to reading my story in 10 years, so much more knowledgeable, aware, in touch…and smile as I realize I was always on my way there. This life is incredible.
So to the Universe, I say to you the most appropriate quote to express my soul…thanks for this beautiful life and please forgive me if I don’t love it enough (unknown author).
I will be far more conscious of expressing that love and gratitude.
Riding Into The Fire 